How to Make Friends in San Francisco: Finding Community as a Young Professional in the City
Almost nobody has enough friends anymore.
When was the last time you spent time with a friend and came away feeling renewed, affirmed and truly seen?
When was the last time you came away not only feeling close to your friend, but clearer, confident and more sure of yourself?
When was the last time you met someone new, or reconnected with someone, and decided to put more effort towards your relationship with them?
Lonely in a Crowd
I hear it often in sessions. What happened? I used to have friends–where did they all go? Why is it so hard to feel that “click” with anyone?
A friend who lives in another city recently told me, “I have people I get coffee with. We’ve been meeting for months now, but I still don’t feel like I can be myself with them,”. Or, “I have a good time when I make plans with people and follow through, but after it’s over, I just feel drained.”
There’s lots of factors we can point to: as we age, people’s circles tend to get smaller. Factors like starting a family or new relationship, moving, stress at work and health conditions can have dramatic effects on our relationships with friends. For some people, changes that transpired during the COVID-19 Pandemic 2020-2023 left lasting effects from which we haven’t quite returned to equilibrium. People may perceive their interpersonal skills as having atrophied, and worry that they won’t be able to regain the social acumen that they’ve lost.
I’m happy to tell you some great news on that front. Thanks to neuroplasticity, while there’s no denying we can get rusty with disuse, it is absolutely possible to build, or rebuild, flexibility and confidence in your relationship skills. Therapy can be a very useful effective tool to support this process.
Wired for Connection
Humans are biologically and psychologically designed to seek and thrive in relationships with others. Our brains are equipped with neural pathways that reward social bonding, releasing chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine when we connect with others. These chemicals aren’t just involved in feeling good–they are also involved in other aspects of our functioning, including outside of relationships. Dopamine is central to functions impacting our motivation, focus and attention to processes requiring sustained, consistent energy. Oxytocin is one of the factors impacting how secure we feel in our relationships, and can strengthen our bonds with others. Oxytocin can even change how we feel about the quality of our relationships; we are more likely to come away feeling hopeful, positive and content with someone when Oxytocin is released than without. If both parties are comfortable, this is why physical affection can be such a positive factor in our platonic relationships, as well as our romantic relationships. Just make sure to get consent!
This innate drive for connection stems from our evolutionary history, where belonging to a group was essential for survival. But needing others is far from vestigial. Imagine you’re living in relatively recent pre-industrial times, before the rise of conventional agriculture, when as many as 90% of people globally were farmers. In this era, communities relied on each other to cooperate within a web of mutual reciprocity to do everything from raise barns, harvest and process crops and track down predators. Today, in rural communities or areas with more inclement weather than we get here in San Francisco, local support networks and mutual aid are much more commonplace, and the necessity of interdependence for survival has positive consequences on the relationships within communities.
Signal Lost
In the city, it’s not difficult to go weeks, months or even years without meeting a neighbor. Those of us working from home may struggle to get out of the house, and those of us commuting may be desperate to get back home with our meager free time remaining after the workday. Our societal division of labor continues through professional designations, but the margins between these roles in which we have opportunities to form relationships have grown thinner as global productivity rises to an all-time high. It’s hard to vent at the water cooler when it’s your kitchen, and your coworker is a cat. Research demonstrates what you can probably already guess: this isolation is a reliable risk factor for many mental health concerns, as well as feeling generally down and isolated in daily life.
Meaningful relationships help us regulate emotions, reduce stress, and build resilience. Forming and maintaining relationships isn’t just a social preference or an optional luxury—it’s a core need, and a fundamental aspect of what it means to be human and live a meaningful life.
Me & We
To invoke John Donne eponymous poem, “No man is an island.”
While it is often essential to focus on the individual in psychotherapy, Western Psychology has begun to acknowledge the essential nature of interdependence and community in the wellbeing of all people, attuning to the understanding put forth for millenia by numerous cultures, thinkers and belief systems embracing a more collectivist or dynamic understanding of mental health.
Our relationships, communities and cultures reflect and reinforce our identities. Feeling isolated, cut off or like we don’t belong can directly affect how we feel about ourselves, the world and our place in it. Belonging is among our most basic, essential needs.
How to Break Free
As though sinking into wet sand, the longer we stand still facing a challenge, the harder it can be to get unstuck. If you need help taking the first step, grab on to that balancing hand and reach out to our staff. The initial motions are often most challenging, but as you begin to see progress, you may find that the process becomes internally rewarding and easier.
Step one, no matter how you do it, is to increase your exposure to people. The only way of guaranteeing you don’t make progress is to not try! Don’t overthink it–the goal is to put yourself in situations where you can safely experience opportunities to interact with other people.
- Use an App
Apps like BumbleBFF, Slack (shoutout to the SF Women’s Social Club!), Reddit and Discord can be sources of information for upcoming events and opportunities to engage in local social scenes. Online event resources tend to work well for some people, while falling short for others. While some people prefer in-person interactions to get a sense for chemistry, candor and personality, others may appreciate the added layer of familiarity that can come from connecting on an app like Bumble BFF first. For analog connections, the Clement Street Farmers Market has a pen-and-paper community board wholesomely dubbed “Loose Grapes” for those seeking friends, dates, and more.
- Consider a Playdate
While a heart-to-heart over coffee can be great for some people, others find that this version of getting to know eachother can feel intense and forced, especially when meeting for the first time. The psychiatrist and author Dr. Stuart Brown (podcast recommendation alert) has done incredible research on the power of play for fostering positive relationships, bonding and empathy.
Group sports, volunteering in your neighborhood, joining a book club, video gaming, tabletop games and board games, run clubs, classes on everything from pottery to letterpress to practices like breathwork can be great ways to have positive interactions and build bonds with potential future friends, without the pressure of a “date”.
When was the last time you had fun? When forming bonds, it’s important to look beyond the compatibility interview–we feel positively about others when we enjoy our time together. Engaging in a fun activity can take the pressure off and help you both relax and get to know each other.
- Shared Interests
What are your interests?
It’s okay if they’re professional–there are loads of groups and networking opportunities for people who are passionate about their work, and these professional connections may blossom into personal friendships if both parties are interested and open to cultivating a friendship. Most people meet their partners (and close friends!) in environments that foster a lot of passive familiarity, such as work, school, and pastimes or hobby groups. It’s a lot easier to bond with someone and form positive associations when you have plenty of time, and the contact isn’t too direct or intense (e.g., the tell-me-your-whole-life-story coffee date).
What do you enjoy doing with your time? Try jotting down a list. Is there a physical activity you enjoy? How about a creative hobby, or a type of entertainment? One of the perks of living in the city is that you can probably find a book club for the adult eldest daughters with perfectionistic people-pleasing tendencies who read fantasy and are big fans of Taylor Swift…if that’s your thing! (No, I didn’t make it up.)
What IS your thing? Figuring it out might help you find your people. And, if a group, gathering or club doesn’t exist yet, starting one is a great way to garner appreciation from others who may be looking for you, too!
A Note for the People-Pleasers:
When you’re talking to someone who you want to have a relationship with, share something real. It doesn’t even have to be negative.
For young professionals, our lives are filled with performance. We perform at work, we interview, we defuse and problem solve, we modify everything from our cadence of speech to our vocabulary to our appearance to adapt to the demands of our lives and roles. It’s a superpower!
But the thing about people-pleasing is that it leaves us feeling more disconnected than ever. If someone expresses genuine appreciation and fondness for us, we can’t take it in, because we know that it is the performance that they are responding to, not our real selves. Even if our “real” self isn’t all that different, it can still feel disingenuous when we invest our relational energy into what we can do for others to win them over. What would happen if you just let them see you, without trying to earn it?
People with people-pleasing, perfectionistic tendencies are at a higher risk of appearing surrounded by friends; well liked, praised at work, even appearing to have it all, while on the inside, feeling completely alone and unseen.
Dropping the mask, even for a second, can be a small step that feels really big, but it may be the crack that lets the light in.
How to Keep a Friendship Alive
Like any relationship, sometimes it can be helpful to have a check in. You can ask your friend if they’re okay with having a conversation about the friendship, and ask them how it’s going for them. Let them know if there’s something you would like to see change, and listen to what they have to say without responding defensively. It can be uncomfortable at first, but direct communication about expectations for the relationship can decrease tension and bring you closer, while helping you both get more of what you want out of your time together.
Friendships take effort, and it’s important for that effort to be reciprocal. Everyone goes through times where they’re less available to their friends; it can be very painful for both parties to go through this, so much so that we might even feel unsure how to repair and lose touch. Communicating your capacity is a great way of putting “pause” on the relationship. This doesn’t mean that time, needs or feelings stop, but by communicating your capacity, you take the guesswork out of it, and give your friend the freedom and clarity to either pick up the slack or give you some space until you’re ready to dedicate more time to the relationship. Communicating capacity, also known as setting boundaries, can sound like:
“Things have been really busy recently. I really appreciate your patience and hope to catch up with you soon. I will reach out when I can give you my full attention!”
“Our friendship is important to me and I care about you a lot. I’m sad that I haven’t been available recently. Can we schedule a longer than usual walk next weekend?”
“I know I haven’t been responding lately. I care about you, but I’m really needing to focus on my health right now. Would it be okay to check in in a month when I can be more present?”
Conclusion
Building meaningful friendships as a young professional in a bustling city like San Francisco can feel daunting, but it’s not only achievable—it’s essential for our well-being. Friendships enrich our lives by providing emotional support, fostering belonging, and offering opportunities for growth and joy. While modern lifestyles and the fast pace of urban life can create barriers to connection, small, intentional steps—like pursuing shared interests, embracing vulnerability, or even using technology to find local groups—can make a big difference. Remember, the key is to prioritize genuine, reciprocal effort in your relationships and to give yourself grace as you navigate the process. Friendships take work, but the rewards—a stronger sense of community, renewed confidence, and improved mental health—are worth every step. If you're feeling stuck, therapy can be a helpful tool to rebuild your social confidence and foster meaningful connections.
Introducing Golden Gate Counseling Services
At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we are committed to providing compassionate, personalized therapy to individuals, couples, and families in San Francisco and across California. Whether you’re seeking support for life transitions, relationship challenges, or trauma, our experienced therapists are here to help.
We offer a wide range of services, including individual therapy, couples counseling, and specialized support such as perinatal therapy and gender affirming care. Our goal is to create a supportive environment where you can explore your thoughts and feelings, develop new insights, and make meaningful changes in your life.
Our therapists are available for virtual sessions, making it easier than ever to access the care you need. Whether you’re in the heart of San Francisco or elsewhere in California, we are here to support you on your journey to greater well-being.
Explore our website to learn more about our services and how we can help you achieve your goals. We look forward to being a part of your journey to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
We hope that these tips help demystify and ease the process of finding the right therapist for you in San Francisco. If after reading all of that, you’re still feeling stuck or overwhelmed feel free to call us at 415-742-2225 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We would be happy to hear what is happening for you, what you’re looking for and provide some direction to finding the right therapist for you. Click here to get started.