Avoiding Conflict Doesn’t Resolve It: Why Facing Discomfort Can Save Your Relationship
Some couples pride themselves on “never fighting.” While that might sound like a hallmark of harmony, it’s often a red flag; not a relationship goal. Conflict, when managed well, is not only inevitable in healthy relationships but essential for growth and long-term connection. Avoiding it? That’s where trouble often begins.
Avoidance might feel safe in the short term, but over time it breeds disconnection, resentment, and misunderstanding. And for many couples, it becomes a silent threat, almost assuredly one that slowly erodes intimacy and trust.
Let’s dig into why avoiding conflict doesn’t actually help, and what to do instead.
The Problem With Avoiding Conflict
Conflict avoidance may be a coping strategy you learned in childhood. Perhaps keeping the peace meant staying safe or being loved in the house you grew up in. As adults, we may carry this into our relationships, believing that avoiding confrontation means we’re being kind, mature, or emotionally intelligent.
But here’s the truth: unspoken issues don’t disappear, they just fester.
According to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, the real threat to long-term relationships isn't the presence of conflict—it's the inability to navigate it effectively. In fact, Gottman's research shows that the way couples handle conflict is a key predictor of relationship success or failure (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
“Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional.”
— Max Lucado
What Happens When We Avoid?
When we avoid talking about difficult issues in a relationship, we may inadvertently:
Build resentment: Unspoken frustrations often simmer and can explode in unrelated or passive-aggressive ways. Have you ever had the feeling that the fight you’re having is too big for the situation you find yourself in? You’re likely having a cumulative fight from all the conflicts that went unaddressed or unresolved.
Feel emotionally disconnected: Without honest conversations, we begin to feel unseen or misunderstood. You are sometimes left feeling as if your job is to now be palatable and noncontroversial, you’re not going to share your true thoughts and feelings.
Misinterpret intentions: Silence breeds assumption. Without clarity, we fill in the blanks, often negatively when you’re feeling disconnected or resentful. The story you tell yourself can be a tenuous place from which to make decisions about your relationship.
Miss opportunities for growth: Conflict is where we learn about each other. Avoiding it means missing out on deeper connection. You are stuck with stasis, unprepared for the challenge of moving to more serious stages of relationships.
Healthy Conflict Strengthens Relationships
Conflict, when navigated well, can actually build trust, improve communication, and deepen emotional intimacy.
A landmark study by Cummings and Davies (2002) found that children raised in households where parents engaged in respectful conflict resolution were more emotionally secure than those raised in homes with hidden or suppressed conflict. Adults benefit similarly, seeing conflict as a part of growth rather than a threat.
Where Couples Often Get Stuck
Fear of rocking the boat: Many people worry that bringing up difficult topics will make things worse or cause a breakup. The stakes feel perpetually high, “this next fight could be our last fight.”
Shame or discomfort around anger: We may have been taught that being upset is “bad” or “unreasonable.” The way anger was handled, or wasn’t handled, as you grew up might create a lot of resistance to tolerating it in your current relationship.
Lack of skills: If you don’t know how to fight fair, conflict can quickly escalate or feel unproductive. Fights quickly become personal, with the goal of someone winning.
Fatigue and timing: Many arguments happen at the end of the day when people are tired, leading to poor communication.
Tips for Navigating Conflict Productively
Let’s talk about how to disagree with care and intention.
1. Recognize the Signs of Avoidance
Ask yourself:
Do I often say “it’s not worth bringing up”?
Do I feel anxious when I think about sharing how I feel?
Do I hope things will just “get better on their own”?
If so, you might be in conflict avoidance mode. Naming it is the first step.
2. Take a Break, But Plan to Return
Sometimes you need a breather, but that doesn’t mean abandoning the issue.
Try this:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a break and revisit this tomorrow evening?”
Research from Gottman Institute supports the idea that taking a 20-minute break can help regulate physiological stress responses and improve the outcome of difficult conversations (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
3. Set Ground Rules for Arguments
Establish some relationship “fighting fair” rules ahead of time:
No name-calling or yelling
Take turns speaking
Stick to the current topic
Avoid threats or ultimatums
Always return to the conversation if you take a break
Instead of:
“You never help around the house!”
Try:
“I feel overwhelmed when I come home and the kitchen’s a mess. Can we talk about how we divide chores?”
“I” statements reduce defensiveness and center the conversation on your experience, not their character. They’re a go-to communication tool in couples therapy for a reason.
5. Repair and Reconnect
Every disagreement should end with some kind of repair. That might be a hug, a shared laugh, or even just a warm acknowledgment:
“I know that was hard. Thanks for talking through it with me.”
These small moments are powerful. They reinforce that even after a disagreement, you’re still a team.
“Every person in therapy is a part of someone else’s story.”
— Irvin D. Yalom
Why This Matters for Long-Term Relationships
Relationships aren’t about avoiding pain, they’re about navigating life together. Couples who learn to address tension with compassion and clarity build stronger, more resilient partnerships.
When we face conflict instead of avoiding it, we’re telling our partner:
“This matters to me. You matter to me.”
Therapy Can Help
If conflict avoidance has become a pattern in your relationship, couples therapy can provide the tools, structure, and safety to explore difficult conversations with support. Therapists can help you identify your communication styles, uncover what’s underneath your conflict patterns, and learn new ways to connect and resolve issues.
At our practice, we offer in-person and virtual couples therapy in San Francisco, supporting couples at all stages of their journey, from early dating to long-term partnership.
Final Thoughts
Avoiding conflict may feel like a temporary fix, but it often comes at a long-term cost. When we learn to lean into tough conversations with care and intention, we build stronger, more connected relationships.
You don’t have to be perfect, just willing to try, learn, and grow.
Take the Next Step
If you’re ready to take the next step in your mental health journey, we invite you to explore our website and learn more about how we can support you. At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we believe that everyone deserves a space to be heard, understood, and supported. We’re here to help you navigate life’s challenges with confidence and care. Whether you’re looking for help with a specific issue or simply want to improve your overall well-being, our team is here to guide you every step of the way. Don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a consultation today—we’re here to help you find the right path forward.
Introducing Golden Gate Counseling Services
At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we are committed to providing compassionate, personalized therapy to individuals, couples, and families in San Francisco and across California. Whether you’re seeking support for life transitions, relationship challenges, or trauma, our experienced therapists are here to help.
We offer a wide range of services, including individual therapy, couples counseling, and specialized support such as perinatal therapy and gender affirming care. Our goal is to create a supportive environment where you can explore your thoughts and feelings, develop new insights, and make meaningful changes in your life.
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Explore our website to learn more about our services and how we can help you achieve your goals. We look forward to being a part of your journey to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
We hope that these tips help demystify and ease the process of finding the right therapist for you in San Francisco. If after reading all of that, you’re still feeling stuck or overwhelmed feel free to call us at 415-742-2225 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We would be happy to hear what is happening for you, what you’re looking for and provide some direction to finding the right therapist for you. Click here to get started.
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References
Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. T. (2002). Effects of marital conflict on children: Recent advances and emerging themes in process-oriented research. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 43(1), 31–63. https://doi.org/10.1111/1469-7610.00003
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing Group.