“We’ll Figure It Out Later”: Why Avoiding Conversations About the Future Can Harm Your Relationship
How to start having the conversations that matter, without blowing up your relationship
It’s incredibly common to hear couples say they’re “on the same page,” until one day, they realize they’re not even reading the same book. Maybe it’s about whether or not to have children, where to live long-term, or how each partner sees their career unfolding. These aren’t just details to figure out later, they’re fundamental components of a shared life you’re having right now. When they’re not discussed early and openly, these unspoken topics can quietly erode the foundation of a relationship.
Avoiding conversations about the future may seem like a strategy for keeping the peace or preserving the present, but in reality, it can be the very thing that drives couples apart.
“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”
— Stephen R. Covey
Why Do Couples Avoid Talking About the Future?
There are lots of reasons people steer clear of future-oriented conversations:
Fear of rocking the boat: Things are going well now—why risk upsetting the dynamic?
Fear of rejection: What if your dreams don’t align?
Assumptions: You think you're on the same page, so why bring it up?
Avoidant communication styles: Some people have learned to avoid tough conversations altogether, often due to family dynamics growing up.
Research shows that the ability to communicate about long-term plans, values, and goals is directly linked to relationship satisfaction and longevity (Stanley, Markman, & Whitton, 2002). Avoiding those conversations doesn’t prevent conflict, it just delays it.
Where Do Couples Get Stuck?
Let’s be honest, these conversations are vulnerable. They ask you to say, “This is what I want,” even when you’re not sure your partner wants the same. Here are a few common sticking points:
1. Assumed Agreement
“We never really talked about it, but I always figured we’d move back to my hometown eventually.”
Whether it’s about marriage, kids, or where to live, assumptions create resentment. Just because something feels obvious to one partner doesn’t mean it’s shared. Couples often forget they come from different families and family culture; your norms are not necessarily their norms.
2. Different Timelines
One partner is ready to settle down, while the other is still focused on travel or career development. Timing can be everything, but you can’t adjust if you don’t talk about it. Sometimes this is related to being different ages, but those timelines can be related more to our internal goals.
3. Unspoken Dealbreakers
Some values feel so personal (e.g., religion, money, caregiving roles) that we avoid bringing them up. But avoiding them doesn’t make them go away, it just makes it harder to negotiate when they inevitably arise. Couples miss chances to gameplan and negotiate, instead they’re confronted with deeply held beliefs at the 11th hour.
Why These Conversations Matter
You can’t build a shared future if you’re building in different directions, or even against each others interests.
Talking about the future doesn’t mean you have to map out every detail. It means being open about your values, your goals, and the kind of life you want to live.
Research supports this: shared goals and mutual understanding are strong predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 1999). And couples who feel aligned in purpose are more resilient through life transitions.
How to Have the Conversation: Tips That Actually Work
Here are a few therapist-approved strategies to help you open up future-focused conversations without losing the warmth and trust in your relationship:
-Schedule a “State of the Union” Check-In
Set aside intentional time, not in the middle of a stressful day or right before bed. This conversation deserves space and calm energy. Timing is key in communication, when we have the time and when is the right time. Set aside time!
Start with your own thoughts, not assumptions. For example:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about where I see myself in five years, and I’d love to hear where you see yourself too.” “I” statements are non-confrontational and allow for your partner to respond without defensiveness.
-Start Broad, Then Go Specific
Begin with values: What matters to you in life? What kind of relationship do you want to build? Then narrow in on topics like children, finances, and geography.
-Be Curious, Not Corrective
Approach your partner’s responses with curiosity, not a hidden agenda to change their mind. Asking questions with the intention to learn will prompt more disclosure.
Try: “Tell me more about why that matters to you.”
-Know That Agreement Isn’t Immediate
Some conversations take time. One talk won’t solve everything, and that’s okay. What matters is that you're both willing to show up and keep talking. Making decisions on the installment method will build trust and allow you to arrive at a real conclusion or compromise.
What Topics Should You Cover?
Here’s a helpful checklist of future-oriented topics many couples overlook:
Children (yes, no, how many, when, parenting styles)
Finances (spending habits, saving, long-term goals)
Career plans (do you want to move? change fields?)
Location (urban vs. rural? near family?)
Family involvement (how involved do you want extended family to be?)
Relationship structure (monogamy, marriage, spiritual beliefs)
Health & aging (how do we care for each other in illness or old age?)
“Long-term relationships require two people willing to communicate, adapt, and choose each other—over and over again.”
— Esther Perel
Therapy Can Help Make These Conversations Easier
Working with a couples therapist, whether virtually or in person in San Francisco, can help you explore these topics in a guided, structured, and supportive environment. Therapy isn’t just for fixing problems; it’s also for future-proofing your relationship.
If you’re feeling stuck, misunderstood, or simply unsure how to bring up the hard stuff, therapy can provide tools, insight, and a neutral space for growth.
Make a Change
Avoiding conversations about the future doesn’t preserve your relationship, it pauses its potential. The more clarity you have about what you both want, the stronger your foundation becomes.
And remember: the goal isn’t perfect alignment. The goal is understanding, compromise, and co-creation. You don’t have to have all the answers, you just have to be willing to ask the questions.
Take the Next Step
Looking for a couples therapist in San Francisco or virtually across California?
We’re here to help you build stronger connections.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your mental health journey, we invite you to explore our website and learn more about how we can support you. At Golden Gate Counseling Services, we believe that everyone deserves a space to be heard, understood, and supported. We’re here to help you navigate life’s challenges with confidence and care. Whether you’re looking for help with a specific issue or simply want to improve your overall well-being, our team is here to guide you every step of the way. Don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a consultation today—we’re here to help you find the right path forward.
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References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing.
Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Whitton, S. W. (2002). Communication, conflict, and commitment: Insights on the foundations of relationship success from a national survey. Family Process, 41(4), 659–675.